Sunday, November 4, 2012


I think I have an odd kind of synesthesia. I feel words. When I write it is like sculpting. It feels like motion. I feel like I am running my hands over a scultural form. I can tell when the piece is too flat. I can feel the rise and fall of it. I can feel it when I am reading too which is why I get so angry when the words I am reading clang flatly. It is a ride and if the ride is not fluid I am jerked out of the story.

I know this now because I went on anti-depressants last week. I took them for 5 days. They stopped me from sleeping. I broke out in pimples on my nose and forehead. I sweated terribly and smelled funny. But the worst of it was I wrote words without feeling them at all. They were all flat on the page. I had no way of telling if they were good words or bad words. I was removed from the dance of them. I couldn't feel them in three dimensions any more.

Last time I went on the drugs I didn't write for a year.  Now I think I know why. What is the point of writing flat words on a page. If the dance is gone or if you are removed from it, why bother to try to dance at all?

I have stopped taking the drugs. I know I have been close to the edge. I know I have been worrying my friends and bothering my acquaintances with my odd paranoia. I have been thinking about the long sure plummet of late and that is a concern. But what is the point of living if you are vaguely happy. What is the point of working if you cannot feel the words.

Maybe it is not synesthesia but if not it is something terribly similar. Whatever it is, it allows me to wrap my arms around the body of the work an bend it into the most pleasing shapes. It is like being with a responsive lover. It is like the best kind of kissing. I am not yet ready to abandon this for the safety of sanity. I have come off the drugs. Bear with me. We may be up for some hard times. yet.


Anonymous said...

My adult child experienced the same when taking Zoloft and again when on Luvox. Totally lost the passion for anything. Life without drugs led to downward spiral. Life is better now. A small dose of Escitalopram complimented by a drug used to treat BiPolar (Aripiprazole) in a very small dose has improved quality of life and hasn't interfered with the creative spirit. Just sharing should you wish to explore other drugs at any time. May there not be too many hard times for you. Best of Wishes.

Krissy Kneen said...

Thanks Anon.

I am coping ok without at the moment. We will see how this goes for a while.

Mira belle said...

160You will not ever know if you "feel" anything you create purely, as long as you are on the drug(s). I contend that a non-drug induced experience is a pre-requisite to genuine expression. You will also not "feel" the organic progression you could make, w/o the pharmaceuticals... That would seem empty, to me. I *think* that your cognitive perception between being on & off the drug(s) should speak volumes... Coping skills may be in order, but if you are able to recognize your capabilities, perhaps you could incorporate some of those, to keep down the demons?