Today I finished an essay I had been asked to write. It was an essay about watching porn and in particular I talked about my focus on zoophilia. Strangely I began to worry that perhaps I had not read the criminal code correctly. Despite downloading it onto my iPad, quoting from it, dissecting the different parts that relate to my study, I still could not be sure that watching bestiality was legal. I had admitted to it in the essay and although it seemed ok to mention this on my blog I suddenly lost my nerve. What if I had read the criminal code incorrectly? What if I had missed something? Presenting my relationship to a the act of watching bestial porn suddenly made me worry. I had lost my nerve.
It is one thing to call it fiction. In fiction you are allowed to perform acts that you might get arrested for in life. Everything is fantasy. Everything can be a little more extreme than the real versions of the activities.
This essay was a personal recollection and I was (yet again) outing myself, albeit to admit that I did not really find the sex a turn on at all. Still it is like taking my perversion into a public space. I always see Furious Vaginas as private even though it is not. I allow myself to make mistakes, experiment, play. The work goes out with grammatical errors, spelling mistakes. This blog is lounging in my bedroom or masturbating on the couch.
Publishing my essay in a literary journal is another thing. I suddenly feel like I have taken my perversions into the local bar.
I am sure it is legal to watch bestial porn on the internet. I am certain I have committed no crime, and yet suddenly I am naked with it. Suddenly everybody might see and know that I have done something wrong. The very reason for my study is to explore our conversations about perversity and sooner or later I will have to take them out of my bedroom and down to the bar. I know that now, despite the fact that I am not into animals, I will be the go-to person for all things zoophile in nature, just as now I am a go-to person for things about sex, despite my admission in Affection that I am not particularly good at the act. If you want an expert lover, go to Kate Holden. She has admitted that men have found her 'too good' in bed. I have only admitted that men have fallen asleep under me. I have only admitted that I am curious, love the celebration of the flesh and am willing to intellectually explore.
Still, now is the time to take off my clothes the protection of my ivory tower and walk the neighbour's dog down into the bar. Still if anyone finds any whiff of proof that it is somehow illegal to stumble across bestial porn then please post the link to that particular section of the criminal code that must have slipped by my in my dedication to find out what I can and cannot do.