Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Second Pornographic video

I watched the second video clip with the sound down. I did this at the loungeroom table, my husband quietly working on the other side, his brow furrowed, sniffing, sick with the flu that I had given him. I watched because this is what I have to do for my studies. I worried about computer viruses. Strange that viewing this kind of pornography makes me worried that my computer will get some disease. There is a correlation between watching transgressive sex and the idea of uncleanliness. Perhaps my mind will become diseased by watching this too.

There is a tiredness to this video. A sadness. I can't guess the attitude of the woman in the clip. She seems like any person, someone's mother, someones, child, me. She seems tired. I can't tell if there is any pleasure in the act. It seems to be her pet. She is familiar with him. She kisses his neck as I would kiss my family dog. She lets him lick her vagina for the longest time and he enjoys this, or so it seems by the wagging of his tail and by his enthusiasm. At some point he tries to mount her and she must prop herself up on the couch, lifting her hips. You can't tell from the angle of the camera if he has made any connection. At some point he leans on her awkwardly or scratches her and she moves his elbow. It is the same kind of consternation that I used to have with my dog when he stepped on my ribs or scratched my leg. He goes back to licking. I have a feeling that he will never put his penis inside her. They will try, endlessly, but the connection will never be made. She tries to make the connection whilst facing him. I wonder why she doesn't turn over and let him mount her as a dog would mount another dog.

There is something poignant in these attempts at sex. Something akin to my often loveless couplings in the time before I met my husband. I don't want my husband to know that I am watching this. I know he would react with disgust. He knows I must engage with this kind of sex for my study, and in theory he understands that zoophilia is like any other fetish. There is good with the bad. Still, when he gets up to put the jug on I click away from the website so he will not see. The things we hide from our partners. The people we want them to think we are. I feel awkward masturbating when my husband is home. He doesn't mind, he knows my sex drive is voratious. Still, I feel like I should wait till he is not home.

I wonder if I should try to find the bestial images arousing. Certainly I am aroused by the transgressive act of watching them and trying not to be caught, but strangely, later, when he goes out to get something from the shops, I do not masturbate, or return to the bestial sex. It is not a fetish that I share. I am also confused by the tone of the image. What if the woman was coerced into filming this. What if the dog was trained cruelly to perform these acts. The tone of the video gives me no clues one way or the other, therefore I am more confused by the images than aroused. I know that I will return to this website, and others. Perhaps it is just that I am too close to dogs. I grew up with them like sisters. Maybe a horse would arouse me more. I have been told there are videos of girls with horses somewhere on the internet. One day I will search. One day I will see this. I need to know how I react to these things in the flesh - in my flesh. Next time I write about it I need to move from fantasy to reality, from the theoretical to the practical. Soon. Some time soon.

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