Tuesday, June 30, 2009
And so you covet.
The physical comes after. The physicality is the usual thing. You are used to finding the warm bodies irresistible. This is nothing new. But add to this the terrible emptiness, the lack and there is alchemy.
But do not mistake it for love. The love is there and there is an intersection but it is not the thing that binds you. The love is familial. Recognition of commonality. Obsession comes from a place where something is missing, the need to repair. The love does not come with a sense of urgency. I must unpick it so that I can put it together for myself. I am making this thing from scratch, and each thread must be perfectly placed and perfectly coloured.
Monday, June 29, 2009
I can't imagine that passion will withstand this erosion, but this is the premise that I will begin from. Maybe it is not the specific passion itself, but the idea of passion that is so long lived. We come to this point and there will be a juncture. The intensity of it is about timing, circumstance. I cannot bring myself to call it love. But it lodges physically. It is a disease that settles into our bones, making our legs shake. Eventually we will be worn away by it, but for now it is molten. It pulls focus. A veneer of normality is brittle. This thing will crack it. Passion spilled out all over the place. Like blood. Like ink from that squid I once caught in the night. Noticing the stain of it, only later, in the morning, when the light had come around once more.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Potential tristes, each and every conversation. Your vagina settling onto his penis at the warm heart of every interaction. You are filled by the potential to be filled.
In the playground they draw a line across the asphalt. Girls on one side. Boys on the other. And they meet at the line to learn games that involve clapping hands. If it weren't for the line they would remain coyly in their segregated groups. It is the warning that drives them to link fingers. It is the banning of books leads to more reading.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
How is it that we are so completely unaligned. I dance, you follow awkwardly. I am all flesh and heart. You do the head work.
A + B = an equation that you have practiced. And so it goes, this thing between us figured, decimal place by decimal place until we come to our separate conclusions.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I wonder if they are laughing because they are in an elevator doing this or because it is funny that he would lick her vagina. This kind of behaviour seems ordinary but I wonder if they don't do this, these boys. All of these boys. Not liking it because it tastes of flesh and juice. Not liking it because it is too intimate. Not liking it because there is hair. Not liking it because that is where we bleed from.
The audience laugh and I do not. It is not funny because I like to be the recipient of this kind of attention, not all the time, but some of the time. I wonder how many head jobs, how much spit or swallow, how much hand on the back of the head a woman has to get down to before a man can kneel and put his mouth to her and not snicker.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I watch Disgrace and I see the ending followed by a lack of resolution. A drawing out of the resolution. What might be neat is followed by a limping string of events that serve to muddy things again.
In my story they do not walk away from each other at the moment of resolution. They choose to stay, and so the muffled orgasm will be followed by more fighting and more fighting without the relief of sex to clear the decks once more. Their timing will be perpetually out, a toy bird ducking its head to drink the water then stuttering into a graceless fall and bob and nod. Forever if you let it drink and fall away again. The pattern can not be broken unless someone steps in to remove the glass or, better yet, the bird.
Buy the fucking battery Krissy. Take the old one out and go to the shop and buy it because you must not rely on the world to make you feel whole and sexy. You must be alone in this and all things. Have you not learned?
Learn learn learn learn learn learn.
Your time is up.
Monday, June 22, 2009
All this is fine for now, for today because the memories are good and clean but one day the smoke traces will lead me back to people I miss. People who are gone. Dead perhaps or disappeared in a stamp of feet and a barrage of fists.
The secret lurch down in my bowels as I remember sex, touches, kisses. Sense memory stirring me like a drug, like the acid sweat smell of a trip coming on and all the trepidation and excitement that goes with it. Sometimes the memory of a thing is almost better than the thing itself.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Will this ever go away? This longing for a distant past? This flesh knowledge? Wet. I become wet when I think of it for any length of time. I do not become wet for other memories. I save this for you.
They ask about obsession and I remember. Distant past that might have been last week or the one before. You do not leave me. I return to you. Will this be forever? Is this single train of thought a faithlessness when the one I love is here and tangible and cared for?
You are a symbol of yourself. This is not a hat. This is not a pipe. This is not you, this is me and the memory I drag up over and over. This is you worn smooth and turned into the thing I want of you. This is me, my orgasm, my orgasms. Over and over without much effort. Minimum effort. Maximum result.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Many thanks for your continued support.
We talk of people you could have sex with. I imagine this in gentle sepia. I imagine you dipping your head to kiss their necks, these girls, some of whom love you. You are surprised to be loved, it seems, or perhaps this is just a conceit because you know all too well that you are lusted after. Still, when I imagine you with each one, I imagine you clothed and doe-eyed. I imagine the romance of it when you have never been a romantic soul.
You ask for a list of people I could see you with because your judgement is blinded by the lack of sex and your proximity to the possibilities. You ask me to picture you with your perfect other. I picture you, but they are faceless, these others, because it has been a good night and we are here in the early hours of the morning and the picture of us is infused in that same sepia glow. All I can see is the laying down of memories, our memories.
We will be friends for ever you say and it might be true. You with your indistinguishable other. Me with your children close as family. But I cannot picture the sex because this is all about talking way into the night, fond smiles across a conversation-lit room, and the safe wonderful hug at the end of it. This is the wonderous idea that now, finally I can be a friend for you, just for the sake of it.
So he touches me and it is a man touching a woman, and it is an old friend, knowing that most of his old friends have abandoned him and I will not do so.
I am not the abandoning type. I am loyal. Kisses me on the cheek and I am reminded of other similar kisses. Other, closer, newer friends who I worry for. Don't let them fall as my old friend has fallen. Keep them safe. I love them more and if they fell I would catch them without question, I would keep this faith that I have in them.A hard promise, but one that feels right.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Nothing has changed, and yet importance has been given to a body of work.
This is what happens when you pick me. Suddenly, I am given credibility. I can relax in to an easy confidence. I think of all the times I have been picked. Someone agrees to have sex with me, not the next girl or the one before, but me. Legitimacy I become someone desired.
After the picking is done with I know that nothing has changed. My work is still as good or as bad as it always was. My body is as questionable. My sexual prowess has not been transformed by the fact that I have been chosen.
I am considering the idea of sexual verses sexy. I am considering the concept of beautiful. All this for something I am writing, but I pause and I think, before I was published I was still this good. Before I was picked to be someone's lover I was still as full of sex.
I need to learn how to pick me. I pick me. I don't need you to pick me at all. I know when the work is good. I know when I am all sex in a thin skin. All this is up to me.
At night we roll away from each other and curl our arms up and hug nothing, very tightly.
This is the way we keep love for the longest time. This is the way we mind each other without becoming disappointed. This is love and I am comfortable with that.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
For these reasons if you do not desire me then the loss is specific and acute. This does not affect me or my desirability. Look at how I move, I will make a good dance partner, given time, I follow easily and am not afraid to take the lead. All the criticisms I sometimes hurl at myself are irrelevant. I store them up because I am a good catch, double entendres intended.
I have been caught, and I fall into his hands and he puts his fingers inside me and he says, 'you are desirable' and he is right. I have to nod, although at times I can't see through the hurly burly of the day to day to recognise this as truth. I am desirable, and despite the silence from the audience of poe-faced gazers, I am desired.
Monday, June 15, 2009
I feel the mean snap of his chatter and am reminded that I am privileged and may not complain. But there is still pain. Nothing gets easier with these blessings I have collected up. There are still the dark nights and I am still no less lonely. Only now I have no story and must remain silent. Or that is what he tells me.
I see her hurt and I am moved. I do not want to be moved but I am. I am sorry for your loss because I am no longer supposed to be sorry for my own.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
My fault entirely. No point apologising because I apologise every day. I am sorry but this will happen again.
Maybe all I need is silence.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
In the quietening of my heart I think about the way my friendships follow this same pattern. So thin that I could break them. And I do. Eventually. I rattle the fragments of us in my fist, pull the wings off it, throw it into a breeze. When there is no life in it I cry. When will I learn to be more gentle with my things.
I struggle into my clothes. Catch a glance in the mirror. Habitual wince. All this before dragging myself back to work.
What a joke. Weekend of growling and barking and standing tight lipped in our corners. We are less than friends now. This aborted attempt to come to grips with each other. I bring all my intellect to the task but no amount of craft and structural truths will save this shambles of a love. You and I for years, coming to some kind of internal truth. I stare at you and you are nothing but a manuscript. You are not my person anymore. I have no person. I have no new thing to go onto. Damn you were fine. We were fine. I miss something. You. I think I miss you.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
I am more experienced and therefore I am better. I am more virile, more orgasms in any one day therefore I win the king of the jungle.
It is about father's and sons and therefore it is inextricably about sex. Eating and fucking the human animal reveals itself. All of it about sex. You can hide it behind science or philosophy, volcanoes or gods, but still it erupts a thousand times a day. This territorial fucking. This beating of chests. And yes, I am impressed. And yes, I am interested. A female of the species, ever-attuned to the scent of fathers and their sons.
Monday, June 8, 2009
I will make them kiss, not once, but for the longest time. Then we shall see where a kiss can take us.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I used to love him, my boy, myself. I used to love to touch his perfect skin. I revelled in his shy enquiry. I knew that I would be the first to touch him, and as the first I would be without judgement. He would be too nervous to notice the hardening of my skin, the reddening of my cheeks where the veins have swelled and burst, a little map of damage.
I could settle into my boy and there would be the joy of exploring something new together. He would teach me to see with young eyes and to touch with trembling hands when the reality of repetition has numbed me.
I come to sex with a workmanlike pleasure. I enjoy the craft but the art is rare and the edge has worn off it. I am comfortable with the act.
So this book is about sex, but perhaps it is about aging. The rush to grow too fast, the tired looking back over one's shoulder. Perhaps he is right, my friend. This boy who can write as I would want to write. Perhaps, this young man is my teacher. Perhaps he will become one with my character and we can set out on this journey with that frightened, edgy joy of the just-begun. Talking about other things when it seems that we are talking about sex. And he never talks about sex. Or only rarely.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
We will tangle, this young boy and I, younger than I like them. Old-young and she young-old as I have become in my dotage. I will be kinder to her breasts that resemble my own, full, supple, yet subtly sagged, a nod towards the body I will soon grow into. A sad sag of skin that has not yet fallen but with this, a knowledge that even at my most disastrous sexual moments I can still make myself come in that way I like. I can find some way to reach my pleasure, and my lover, my beautiful boy, need not take responsibility for my relief. The easy comfort of an older woman who can deal with herself quite nicely. The joy of knowing she is learning, even now, even at this great age she learns something from you.
My character is there waiting for me to join him. The promise of a hug, a tussle, a falling into new sexual territory. I pick up my notes, my index cards, the great wad of years of my life gone by. I pick up this book that I once loved, this character I once took in hand. This boy I once went down on in a literary way and I am slightly nervous, as on a first date. Let us wander down to the river under an impossibly blue sky, and I will begin to remember why we fell in love.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Do not talk about the husband. This is the first rule, although this is a rule that I will have trouble keeping. Statuesque, becoming more rich and gorgeous with every passing day. I sometimes drag myself out of bed so that I can be there to watch him step into the shower. Unclothed, he is something to be savoured. Still, the sex is a no go zone and he is off limits to me.
My crushes. I can speak of my crushes but in the scheme of things they will swell to disproportionate sizes without the boundaries of my husband to contain them. I could speak of fantasy, unnamed bodies that I rub myself against to gain the greatest pleasure. But these are real people. People can be bruised. I must not be rough with real people. Perhaps I should not speak about my crushes.
Pornography? Certainly I can speak about pornography, but what was once rich and bloodfilled has no shrunk down to nothing but dust. I pick at the crumbs of pornography these days, but the orgasms that accompany them are dry and blow away at the slightest disturbance of the air.
Still I will need to talk about sex. I pencil the dates into my diary and it is a conundrum. What to say? What to say?
Leaving space. I think this might be the first rule. Space for the reader to sink into. Space for you to slip into my skin. You want to touch what I touch, bite down into flesh or slip your fingers into one place or another. You want me to lead you to the adventure and to stay with you, see you through it all. If I were to leave before the deal is sealed you will be left with this lover that you do not know and perhaps nothing would come of it. Like that time I set it up for you and it untangled one drunken thread at a time when I left the building.
But I must hold back in the actual act. I must slip in one finger and allow you space for two of your own. I must kiss one breast and leave the other free for your mouth. Sometimes our lips must touch over a single nipple. Writing like doing. Leaving space for the other. Raymond Carver does it. James Salter does it. We will do it together, you and I in the same heady tussle. You and I make love to them.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
So dressed then and wishing it had gone some other way. How can I let it end like that? The bus waits. I know. I think about the time it wil take to get to the day job. Bookshop awaits but there is more. Surely there is more. Real world. Nothing pornographic. Sweet moments. A little love. People conversing with just an edge of flitation. Clothed hugs. Clothed kissing. Old old old, I am getting old when people brushing past each other on the street eclipses double entry and a cum shot.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Kathryn Santic is a young writer from Griffith University. She belongs to a writing collective called Small Room. One of the members of this group, Chris Somerville has written for this blog before and has read at my workplace. I am a huge fan of his work and reading Kathryn's piece, I think these young writers are set to take over the world. Today I take a day off and welcome a new voice to furiousvaginas.
A Siren in the Night – Kathryn Santic
He lingers outside her window as if he simply happened there by chance.
As if in all the world, the stone steps of her building are nothing to him but a place to stand.
No more than two floors above, her body is restless, turning in her silky sheets.
And though the night and the city is warm, it is not the heat that stirs her sleep.
In the shadows near her building's door, a small light gently floats and flickers.
A light which rides the cigarette that rests in the spread of his strong fingers.
And as he takes a breath of poison, he lifts his hand toward the sky,
And sings of the sweet pleasures that she so frequently denies..
While he shapes each tempting word, his accent rises up two floors then falls,
So that only his deep voice remains, to seep through the cracks in her thin walls.
Brushing against her in her dreams, it strips her body bare,
Wrapping itself around her ankles, tangling in her hair.
Persuaded by his siren call, she shares his every whim.
Knowing that if he had his way, she would feel his hands upon her skin.
And while briefly dreaming of his kiss, she naively sees her thoughts as harmless,
Considering what might come of it, if she was to walk with him into the darkness.
Alone, she fights to block him out yet with no one to defend her,
She lets the smell of his brandless cigarette secretly befriend her.
And though she knows the gates that keep her safe from hell are thinning,
Her heart becomes a rhythm pushing her towards a new beginning.
And in the moment that control avoids her, when discretion and restraint forget her name,
His serenade undresses every part of her, undoing every promise she has ever made.
And as she lets her body rise, his voice lifts her from her sheets and from her life,
Carrying her down to the road below and out into the night.
Months of hiding inside the thick dullness of your skin have not prepared you for the sudden rush of lust. The day to day can overtake you. A trudge toward nothing. Smile. Laugh. Chat. But when there is no one there you know that you are emptied out. There is no smile to be had without performative imperative. There is no opening out to the elements without the scent of sex.
This, then, is the dilemma. Thin skin singing you are open to the pain that comes with being alive. But even with the pain it seems better than the dull thud, a migrainous gray. The safe and empty world without the sex.
So give me the sex. Let me teeter on the edge of it. Let me inhale it torturously through open pores. I chose this. I accept this. I live with this.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Come on - I tell him - surely there is some small flame where smoke is billowing.
I am not attracted to her - he tells me. I am curious, but not interested. And suddenly I could slap him. Unresolved sexual tension? or just empathy and a sudden indefensible need to defend her from the hurt that she will surely feel.