Friday, August 14, 2009

two days without

I missed my first post. A second? Could I leave it one more day? In 530 days I had not missed one night. Now I have. I feel slightly overwhelmed by this week and the one to come. I see my friends, I talk and smile and laugh but on the inside it is just running. I have not given up sex but I am less anxious when I am alone and there is no one there to judge me. I remember my panic and my fear, the feeling that I will be over run.

This is what I wanted. Want. This is my longed for thing. There is sex. It is on offer. But all I want right now is a hug. Just a hug and perhaps a kiss that warms my lips like cognac and helps me to stop running on the inside. Just for a moment.

I talk and laugh with my friends but I want to haul myself into a foetal ball. I want to shout, hug me. hug me. Hug me. But I am silent.

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