Tuesday, May 5, 2009

sad endings and shrugs

In the real world endings are sad.

It is only in fiction where there are resolutions. I search about for some kind of full stop, some parting line that will make sense of all the rest of it. We are not parting, but there has been a shift, a rending of the ground between us. I glance across it and you are so far away from me. Too far to whisper secrets to you. Too far certainly to hug. I wave. Yes, I am here, you wave back as if nothing has changed. For you, nothing has changed. You never saw yourself twinned in me. You never felt the same closeness, as if your organs had been ripped from your chest and sewn roughly onto someone elses.

I chat with you but you are talking happily to someone else. I know it but I am no longer angry. I do not feel abandoned. I do not need your attention with the same ferocity.

In other circumstances you would say I had fallen out of love.

I stand here at a safe distance and I miss the habit of you. Two souls snuggled in intimacy like children whispering under the sheets. I thought the innocent ferocity of our friendship would last forever. I thought I might die from it, but I didn't. At the end I am just numb and lonely and perhaps a little bored. At the end of it you shrug. Nothing has changed for you. You have other intimate friends. I am not your only. It was good, the best, but now you will move on without a trip in your trajectory and I realise that I was not that much really, not anything different. Now you have your whole bunch of friends. And I am alone.

I will get more work done.

4 comments:

the min said...

Let's tangle. I think i want to fuck you, or fuck with you. What's the difference?
Would it be more fun to fuck our partners, each others partners or play them like pieces in a game. I challenge you to tell me daily how to build a strategy - with the ultimate goal of increasing intimacy with your partner. It doesn't seem easy but it has an element of mischief, and if you value monogamy, it has virtue. If you, CK, don't have the tactics to pull it off I don't know who does?
So what do you say? Is it worthwhile? ARe you up for it?
Is it worth imagining, even if it can't be realised? What price intimacy?
Intimacy is like a cloud, viewed by someone thirsty. Its lifegiving vapour is bound to disperse over the length of a relationship but there is a duty, a need, to congeal as much of that moisture as you can for as long as possible. Intimacy is the engine that builds a relationship. The fun bit, if you like. It is ephemeral but damn, leaves all too soon and is replaced by habit. Let's fight the onset of habit together. whaddyasay?

Krissy Kneen said...

Nah.

Kat said...

Endings most definitely are sad. I have experienced many endings. Endings of friendships, endings of peoples lives, endings of a dreams for myself and for those I love, endings of a goal or aspiration that is unfortunately unattainable. Some of these endings are not avoidable & we have little control over them but some of them we do.
Is it presumptuous of me to assume that the relationship you write of is that of you & your husband?
All relationships go through changes or shifts. With the rendering of the ground between you both you need to build a bridge. A bridge that will keep the passage of connection open, so you can reach out to him. Don't let that division grow too big that a bridge cannot be built.
If love is there it is worth the fight, you are worth the fight & he is worth the fight.

If it is a friendship you speak of..I would suggest the same thing. Reach out!
Don't wait too long to build a bridge. I lost the friendship of a very dear friend about 17 years ago. I've written many letters to her, but have never had the courage to actually post them for fear of rejection. Rejection from her scares me because it would be final.
In hindsight rejection would have been better than what I feel now. At least with finality I would have know where I stood.
If I could turn back time, I would have reached out much sooner regardless of the outcome.

All the best Krissy!

Krissy Kneen said...

I wouldn't read too much into this stuff folks. It is just stuff.