Saturday, April 18, 2009

sex in my hand

I hold a proof copy of my book in my hand. I open the page at any place and there is sex. Sex that I have had. Sex made concrete. Sex that I cannot wriggle away from. Flesh made word made flesh.

I have lost a wheel. I am unhinged. I am all the cliches that relate to someone who is unsettled by the world. I stomp through my friendships and I set fire to my house. The cards are dealt. I read them and I shake my head.

I have proof. I have a proof copy. I begin the weary process of worrying. Dreams of panic. I have not given in to the idea of medication. I am still feeling it, keeping it all at bay. I climb the bridge and stare over at the drop and I say, I have a proof. There is proof. I climb down again. The bridge will still be there next week, next year, some other time.

Today there is just sex in my hand and in your hand. You reading my sex. You, maybe, becoming aroused by my sex. You having sex with someone else at the instigation of my sex. This is all I can ask from you. This is all I can offer you.

For me there is this proof, and this must be enough. More than enough. I climb down from the bridge for now.

1 comment:

Kat said...

Krissy, I felt so sad when I read your post today! I know I don't know you personally but your pain is something that is familiar to me & I so wish that you weren't experiencing this terrible condition.
I shared with you in an earlier comment to one of your post about my eldest sons story. I myself am not inflicted with the curse of the black dog but am well familiar with it's infectious bite! As I mentioned before he is a very talented artist, working with all mediums. He was extremely reluctant for many years to take medication because he had experienced side effects whilst taking a drug that affected his creative side. Unfortunately he did hit rock bottom, his life was a living hell & so were ours, he estranged himself from family & friends. He had a massive breakdown that found him in hospital for a period. He is back at home now & is currently being treated with 2 different medications both of which are helping him immensely. They've not interfered with his artistic abilities & he's doing very well. He is on a mood stabiliser called Abilify & another drug used for treating bi-polar called Espirim. There are so many different medications these days & this combination has worked wonders for him.
Please don't go back to the bridge anymore....I'm not sure whether you were speaking metaphorically or not but you have so much to offer. You've got a talent with your amazing ability to write that could be used to help others that suffer this curse & there are many. You are not alone!
I will not be offended if you choose not to post this response I just wanted you to know that I hear you & that medication may not be such a bad thing.