Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Joy

This is a dark period, one of my many moments when sepia turns to burnt umber and all the light dries out of it till what is left is almost black. Even the sensual pleasures become furtive and chore-like. I finish them quickly behind the closed bathroom door. All endorphins fled. There is something amiss in my chemistry. I haven't been writing. My days are a dirge. Nights full of screams and I wake exhausted. I am eating myself with this wasting disease of sadness. I am struggling on without my support team. I have scared my support team. I have raged and plundered and pummelled tears from their eyes. They give me a wary berth. My arms ache for a hug that will no longer be forthcoming. I have spoiled the one good thing I was clinging on to and now I must drift alone.

I am sick of the sadness. Sad sick. A sea of it. I force myself to grin. I listen to the happy music but it only irritates. All I can bare is The Pixies, Syd Barrett, The Breeders, songs that rage or limp along in their confusion. I grow sick of it. I want the turn around now. I want the joy and the running and laughing. I want my friend back. I want our joking back. I want the easiness. I want it back now.

1 comment:

Kat said...

I am so sorry that you are in this terrible place right now Krissy!
Please don't stay sad! Living with this illness is hard & exhausting! Speaking as the mother of a sufferer of this sad dark illness, I know that it is difficult to understand much of what effect this illness has on the person suffering. I am sure that your friends want the same for you, as you do for yourself. Less sadness & tears and much more joy, laughing & love.
I wish I could show you how much my sons life has improved in the last 6 months since starting his treatment, how his relationships with family & friends have florished and mended & most importantly how his self image has improved. Maybe you might think about giving meds another go....I've seen them work!You deserve to find this peace too!