Thursday, April 30, 2009

coloured clothing

I resisted the urge to try on a piece of coloured clothing. I have done that for weeks now, ducking into the horrible flourescent glare of the changerooms with my bundle of green or red or blue. You said I might look good in blue. I translated this to mean you would find me more attractive in blue. To tell you the truth I look hideous in colour. It looks like I am a clown. Colour does not suit me. I am better in black. Still I glance at the colourful dresses. She looked so nice in deep green. I imagine you like her because of it.

I walk past the clothing and try nothing on. Last time, and the time before, I sat on the floor of the change-room with a green shirt, a blue dress, a red cardigan and I cried. The floor was ripe with the stale socks of a thousand shoppers.

I will not try things on because of you or her. I no longer want you to find me attractive. I will slice off my left breast to draw back a bow. I will shave my head. I will resist the urge to wear makeup. I cannot compete for pretty. All I can hope for is my own kind of fractured beauty. You do not desire me, nor should you, and now, because of this, I will make it impossible for anyone to desire me at all.

1 comment:

Kat said...

Oh my goodness Krissy! I've been in that dressing room too. I've cried those tears. I'm the girl in the dressing room that dreds the shop assistant coming to offer assistance or an opinion. I myself have not worn a skirt or a dress for the last 2 years. After suffering quite a significant back injury I put on weight from months of inactivity. Just when life was returning to normal I was in a car accident whilst at work & I sustained a severe whiplash injury which found me inactive once again.
When I try on a skirt or a dress I feel terrible & look like a bell or the back of a bus! I live in jeans, pants & 3/4 length pants. I can never really find anything very feminine that I really like, always settling for items that fit. I longingly look at the other clothes and on the odd occasion have tried them on which always leaves me feeling like a frumpy & unattractive old woman.
I can empathise with your feelings with regards to this on a very personal level & I'm sure we're not in it alone.
The truth is though that we are always tough on ourselves, we're never the best judges of how we look. I've seen your photo Krissy & I reckon you would wear red beautifully!