Wednesday, January 7, 2009
This is the physical representation of an emotion. It is sudden and overwhelming like the moment before you vomit or the point at which you faint. There is a heat with it and the heat starts at the base of the neck where it meets the shoulders and spread upward and out until there is a general wash of heat like a creature clinging to your back. You step away, shrink tight. You become diminished all of a sudden like you have snapped up into an angry little ball. You do not want to be touched. You want to sever your ties with the world You have an overwhelming urge to hide on an island with paints and canvass and make colours shout out for you. A voice in your head says 'step down. you cannot win. don't try to compete'. It is a clear voice. It is your voice but it is not your voice, also. It takes so long to settle. A long conversation might talk you down. When you have calmed again you feel defensive. You are aware of your differences and your failings. You are happier to remain alone. You know that it is just jealousy and you are wise enough now to know that it is a reaction, but it is physical, like an illness and you must learn to ride it.