So it is an addiction, this chemical reaction in my brain that is a kind of self-medication. It is like taking Ecstasy, the slow flow of it through my body. I remember the first time I took the synthesised drug. Sitting and waiting and feeling the change of temperature in my skin, the slick of sweat in my palms, the heavy coming down in my body, like I am falling through water. And the calm. The sudden peace I seemed to make with myself.
Sex is a similar drug. For a moment there is that kind of peace. All of this heralded by the cold sweat and the flush of blood coursing through my skin. The heart beating faster, the inhibitions fled.
I take my drug when I am falling. Emotional flat line. This kick start, a shot in the brain, my receptors firing with the sudden electric shock of orgasm.
I have it under control, this addiction of mine. Gone are the days when I put all of my time into the procuring of the hit, the endless searching for someone to satisfy the need, the upping the dose, one new partner at a time. I am on a programme of the stuff, metered out in satisfying blocks of activity, not too close together, not too far apart. I am a regular user and it feels like methodone. I am on the medication and it is containable, this need.