Wednesday, September 10, 2008
This recurring moment of jealousy is a nail in my head. I watched that done once, actually, a nail hammered into a nasal cavity. The audience agape. Then there is trepanning, a tiny drill and all the pressure suddenly removed. I am carving into myself with this migrainous jealous thudding into my own skull. Jealous of her beauty, jealous of his talent, jealous of someone else's success. I hold the hammer in my angry fist and I thump it till I am in pieces. I am waiting for the sweet relief that this must surely bring me, this deconstruction of myself. I tear peices off me like a grieving wife. I thump my chest. I ululate. I take my room apart. I tear my work to pieces. I throw my canvasses out into the rain where they may be ruined. I fling myself out into the danger of the world and watch myself free fall into the biley reek of jealousy. I am not enough for me it seems. I am not nearly enough.