Who was to know there would be so much blood.
And pain. He looked down at me for a moment and he was not a bad man. He knew that this was hurting me. He paused and asked if he should stop.
We pushed on. I am sure it was barely pleasurable for both of us. The condom seemed too tight and I had not yet learned about lubrication. I was dry and there was sand and we were running to a deadline. I had to check my watch from time to time and listen out for the sounds of my mother's footsteps.
When the hymen broke it was with pained relief. The blood began to flow which eased the chafing. I didn't even attempt to join him in orgasm. The job was done. I was quite prepared to pack up tools and head down to the pub for a beer.
The blood was everywhere and I wondered how I would be able to hide it. My swimming costume was white and would be ruined. The towel was a mess of sand and blood. He rolled the condom off and there was only half of it left. The rest had disappeared mysteriously somewhere inside me. Blood and semen then. I wanted to cry but I didn't.
"What if you get pregnant," he groaned. "What if I have got the school captain pregnant."
I had a name, he knew it but he chose to see me as I had never seen myself, as a rank, a captain of a school that he attended. I looked at him then, the sports playing giant of a boy, one grade beneath me. I was grateful for the removal of my hymen but suddenly, for the first time, I wondered if I should have waited for someone I cared about a little more.
"I won't get pregnant."
"How do you know?"
"I'll get the morning after pill."
This seemed to satisfy him. He leaned over and kissed me. I accepted the kiss without pleasure. I was planning things, crossing them off an imaginary list. Get dressed, hide the towel drenched in blood, tell my mother I needed to go to the doctor. Tell her that I was old enough that she didn't have to come in to the doctor with me. Why did she always come in to the doctor with me? I had just turned 18 and therefore I was a woman and I could see the doctor by myself. There would be a fight. I knew it. It would end in tears. I would have to tell her outright. That's what I should do.
'Mother, I've just had sex and I need the morning after pill' I would say. Just like that. Quick, and all the pain would be over, just like the breaking of the hymen.
The boy was talking to me. I looked at him, tried to focus. I should listen to this tall and sporty boy who had just lost his own virginity to me. I should take an interest. I gazed at this boy who I barely knew and didn't particularly like and nothing he said could be of interest to me. I closed my eyes and lay back in the sand, gathering my strength for our departure.